Snowgurl37 and the Seven Short Gangstas
by Akutenshi6
Summary: My first submission ever. An updated version of the Snow White story with plenty of humor to it. Tell me what you think, please.


Snowgurl37 and the Seven Short Gangstas  
Once upon a time in Beverly Hills, there was a trendy, affluent family, the Whites. Mr. and Mrs. White had been happily married for several years, but alas, they were childless. However, thanks to the miracle of fertility drugs, they at last were blessed with a child. Actually, they were burdened with five children, but the clinic doctors had warned them that the chance of multiple births would increase, so there was no lawsuit.  
  
In the way of affluent Californians, the Whites gave their children trendy names. They were: Snow, Rain, Sleet, Hail, and Wind. In time, the children grew and in the fashion of most couples in the affluent sector, Mr. White no longer found his wife attractive, had an affair, and the Whites got a divorce. Due to Mr. White's better lawyers, he got to keep their grand home and money, while Mrs. White got custody of Rain, Sleet, Hail, and Wind, leaving only Snow to grow up in her father's home. Eventually, Mr. White got remarried to a vain and well-endowed aerobics instructor. This new step-mother was not overly fond of children, but put up with Snow because it went over well with Mr. White's business partners, and besides which, she could easily enough ignore the girl and had Mr. White so wrapped around her little finger that she was sure he sometimes barely remembered he even had a daughter. However, such security was not to last for the aging aerobicist.  
  
The years passed and Snow grew into a very pretty teenager. The step-mother became more and more obsessed with her looks. Every day, the step-mother would turn on her computer and check her status on www.amihotornot.com. All was well until one day, when she checked the top ten only to find that she'd been usurped from her number one position. She struck the link to the number one girl's personal profile like a viper strikes its prey. As Snowgurl37's profile came upon the screen, the step-mother's face hardened into a visage of hate and rage as she saw her step-daughter's picture until she realized it might give her premature wrinkles. The stepmother decided that her best option was like that of the Texas Cheerleader Murdering Mom. Get rid of the competition.  
  
So the Step-mother got Hans, a dodgy personal trainer she used to know from the aerobics class days, to take Snow into the bad part of down town and kill her. Since the pay was good, and the man not too bright, Hans decided he'd do it. He took Snow into the very midst of Gangland, but upon seeing that Snow was sweet and innocent, decided that just leaving her there would be good enough. He was sure she'd end up dead within the day, and then he wouldn't have to worry about being charged by the police. And so he left poor Snow to fend for herself.  
  
Snow was very worried because she'd somehow gotten separated from her step-mother's friend and it was really a shame because he was kind of cute. She wandered around aimlessly until she bumped into a short man. "What's your problem, yo?" The short man demanded. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry," she apologized, "I'm afraid I'm lost with no one to help me."   
  
"Is dat so?" the short man says with a feral look in his eyes, "Why don't you come wit me and you can use my phone to call someone?" Snow smiled at him with gratitude, "Oh really, could I?" she beamed, "I'd be ever so greatful." The short man took her by the arm, "Sure you can, right dis way." He led her to his low rent apartment that he shared with his six other gang members. Snow was led into a small, dankly lit room that reeked of beer and rot. "My goodness this place is a mess," she exclaimed as the short man closed and locked the door. "Oh, goodness," the man said with poorly feigned surprise, "I fergot, my phone's broke. Ya gotta pay to use it." Snow frowned unhappily, "But I haven't any money…" The short man smiles, "Dat's awright, cause I didn't want no money," he leers at her. "Oh, I get it," Snow smiles, "I could clean for you and then I could use the phone, right?" Without waiting for an answer, she started to straighten up. The short gangsta stood watching her in disbelief and was soon joined by his six roommates, who were also short. "Yo, dis bitch is whack," one of them said. As the seventh one stood watching he suddenly exclaimed, "Hey, do you guys know who dis is?" They shook their heads. "It's snowgurl37," he said, "From the computah!" The seven short gangstas looked at Snow in surprise. "Why, yes," Snow said, "That's me." The seven gangstas were soon all around her shaking her hand and telling her what big fans they were, "But what are you doin' out here?" one of them asked, "No way should a fine piece of ass like you be out here." Snow proceeded to tell them of how she became lost. Almost as one the short gangstas realized what was up. "Sounds like your step-mom don't want you to come back, if ya ax me," one of them said. Snow was disheartened. "Hey, yo. Cheer up, you can stay wit us," another one offered, "We'll make you our honorary sistah," he said and the others agreed. Snow agreed to their offer and for a time things went well. She would clean and cook for the gangstas and they made sure she had everything she wanted, including a computer. She wasn't sure why the computer's desktop had some corporate logo on it, but didn't consider it overmuch, and after all, it allowed her to maintain her status on www.amihotornot.com. This, unfortunately would lead to her downfall, for there was another who also watched her status remain unchanged. Snow's stepmother realized that Snow must still be alive since snowgurl37's profile kept getting updated. After doing some research, she found her stepdaughter's new address. The stepmother consulted a friend of hers, a computer expert and had him construct a weapon to use against snow. Then she disguised herself and went to Snow's apartment.  
  
Snow heard a knock at the door. It wasn't in the predetermined pattern, so she took up her Mack 10 and looked through the peephole. Snow saw what appeared to be a well-to-do woman on the other side, and alas fell prey to her elitist upbringing, automatically assuming that the well-dressed woman must be nice. She opened the door and the woman greeted her, "Hi, my name is Ivana Lotabux, and I'm here to deliver your prize." Snow was confused, "What prize?" The woman smiled without feeling, "Why your prize for holding top rank on www.amihotornot.com," she said, holding up a sleek laptop. "An Apple?" Snow said, recognizing the iconic corporate symbol. "Yes, " replied the woman, "and it's all yours." Snow took the laptop and thanked the kind lady. While Snow didn't particularly like Macs, it looked pretty sleek. She closed the door and set up her new laptop. She plugged it in and turned it on. As everything began to initialize, a small symbol, much like an hourglass, caught her eye. Snow watched the hourglass for what seemed ages. Little did she know that her stepmother had gotten her friend to make sure that the computer would never actually function. Snow watched, and watched the little hourglass and eventually fell into a deep, deep sleep.  
  
When the seven short gangstas came home, they were distressed to see that Snow wouldn't wake up. They were hungry and she hadn't bothered to cook anything for them. After determining that she hadn't gotten into their stash and OD'd, they realized that it wasn't something they could figure out. So the seven short gangstas went out to the Silicon Valley and nabbed themselves a nerd. They dragged the poor nerd back to their apartment and shoved him towards the unconscious Snow. "Dere's summtin wrong wit her," one gangsta told him and pointed a gun at him, "Either you figger it out or we cap ya." The nerd thought it best not to argue that he wasn't a doctor and approached the girl. That's when he noticed that her laptop wasn't working. He shrugged and decided that maybe he could at least do something about that. He pressed Alt+Ctrl+Del twice and the computer restarted, and Snow awoke only to pass out as the computer attempted to restart. The nerd gulped as he heard seven guns cocked behind him. "Wait, wait, I can fix it," he pleaded. "You bettah," one of the gangstas told him. The nerd went over to the wall and pulled out the plug and Snow awoke. So grateful was she to the nerd that saved her, she decided to marry him. And they lived happily ever after when her computer nerd husband managed to steal the evil stepmother's credit card numbers off the internet and ruined her credit rating.   
Da End. 


End file.
